Best of...My Holiday Vacation

Fun was had.

Dec 30, 2024

Oh hi! You may be expecting a best of 2024 list of books, movies and other fun things but I don’t have that right now. (Turns out pockets) All I have is my visit with my Mom which happens every Christmas. She comes to LA to stay with my for 5ish days and it’s both awful and great. Back when my Dad was here they would come in January to miss the holiday rush but they always came to visit every year, sometimes twice. Since my Dad passed, I have forced my Mom to come out to see me because I’m not trying to find someone to watch my two pugs and I’m not going home without those two pugs. Also, it’s good for her to get out and as my therapist says, it builds new neural pathways and she needs to be able to know that she can do hard things (she is baseline incredible anxious but it ramps up when traveling).

I always have one solid breakdown during the visit, which is quickly patched up by both of us apologizing to each other for 10-30 min after due to crushing guilt.

So what did you and your Mom do on her trip!? Not a lot. And that’s all I can muster to be honest. When both my parents would visit we went everywhere and did everything so there’s no reason to and also I’m perpetually exhausted. Why are you so exhausted?!? See below-

For example, we went to Walmart so my Mom could get a day planner. I helped her pick one out for 30 minutes. She finally decided on one that’s clearance because it only goes up to June 2025 but it’s three dollars so who cares, it’ll be June’s problem. While I answer question after question and give my extensive opinion on which day planner would be best, I find some swirly crayons and grab those to give myself a little treat. That’s not important to the story really, it’s just I was starting to get really stressed and this is my Vodka I guess.

Said crayons.

Anyways, it has been decided we are to purchase the three dollar day planner with palm trees. So we go to the self checkout and at the end of the purchase I make a fatal mistake. I do not hit the “print receipt” button. It only goes to my online Walmart account. And once I realize what hell I hath wrought, it becomes the scene in Vertigo where everything is spinning. As I turn to exit, like clockwork, my Mom goes “Can I have the receipt?” and I go “I didn’t hit the print button…it’s on my account though!”

Panic ensues.

“Can we get someone to print it for us?” She looks around like a Termintor targeting a sixteen year old manning the self check out. “Sir can you print out our receipt? I’m from out of town Colorado and can I return this (points to day planner) in Colorado?”

He chuckles and shrugs. THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR GAIL.

“I will print out the receipt for you at home ok?” I’m starting to disassociate.

“No! Why can’t they print it out?!?! Can you ask him?!”

“No they can’t do that. Let’s just go.” I start futilely walking towards the exit when she opens her mouth and in slo mo says -

“I want to return it”

And I deeply sigh and go “okay……………..great” through the most gritted lock jaw you can imagine.

We walk down to customer service and there’s a sign that says “computer down - can’t take online receipts” and I’m like OH PERFECT. I still show my online receipt to no avail and the nice worker tries to scan it about 4 times and says “we can only do a credit”. For three dollars. Awesome.

She hands me the gift card and my Mom is like do you want this? And I say I’m never stepping foot in this Walmart ever again for as long as I shall roam this Earth.

And we again descend upon the exit and get into the car when my Mom goes “Should I go back and just buy it back?” and I completely short circuit and say “no we need to go”. And she’s like “no I can just run and grab it!” and I’m thinking RUN IN?!?! (No offense to her, but she is not a quick moving person) So I make an executive decision to drive away, as she continues to ask me if we should go back and just buy it again. Now you maybe thinking wow your a real bitch. The answer is yes BUT I took her to another Walmart two days later and she got a day planner that had the entire next year (although not three dollars) and seemed to be happy enough with it. But the most important part is that I remembered to PRINT THE RECEIPT. Also I purchased a 6 pack of Valentine cards depicting a black pug with a rose in its mouth saying “Pugs N Kisses” Sorry to spoil the surprise to those of you receiving this card.

The rest of the trip went fine and I love my Mother but I must tell you it is very hard not having my Dad around.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Now I will get the most important things…

Things My Mom Returned During Her Visit -

Cottage cheese (tasted sour)
Day planner (lol)
In n Out hamburger (too salty)

Mom By the Numbers

12 - the number of times my mother played her doctors appointment confirmation message on speaker phone at 7am. “Hello, this is DR. FRANK calling to remind you about your appointment on JANUARY SECOND at 3 PM. Press one to confirm and two to repeat this message.” She pressed that number two 11 times.

3 - the number of times she offered me 4 earl grey tea bags from her purse.

15 - the number of minutes she spent bent over washing the outside of my dishwasher which I continuously told her was stainless steel and you just have to wipe it with a dry cloth. Did not phase her.

10 - the number of times she told me that the Del Taco diet coke was the best diet coke she’s ever had.

3 - number of times she got trapped in my Tesla (which, fair)

Mom Quotes

“Salad was dry.”

“Now you have to tap to pay? What’s that all about.”

“I won’t choke on it right?” In regards to me saying I wanted to make some homemade Chex mix.

Trending TikToks -

There’s a trend going around of people pretending their dogs got into an ivy league college.

@maceycullen #harvard #heissosmart

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@aubreygavelloo Accepted at only 13 years old 😭 could not be more proud of him @Bryant Gavello #family #harvard #dog

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This dog is me when people sneeze. My mother screams her sneezes and when she goes “bless me!” I get so mad and go “JESUS CHRIST”

@hemlockcat God forbid I sneeze 💀#fyp #dogsoftiktok #funny #christmas #doodlesoftiktok

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I got onto PoptartTok and didn’t want to get off. It’s everything. It’s our culture. Our freedom. Our sense of lore.

@poptarts our edible mascots left zero crumbs, another Crazy Good bowl in the books 😌 @Pop-Tarts Bowl #poptarts #poptartsbowl #ptbowl

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I am an avid Crocs wearer (listen I know, I’m aware of your opinions) and this made me laugh because I own those exact pair in pink.

“Well, I tell ya, if I owned a pair of Crocs I would ask somebody to drive over me with a semi tractor trailer and made sure it was a headhot so I died fast.” Which in retrospect doesn’t make a whole lot of sense but you get the jist.